Kind of the worst day ever

So for some reason - today seemed worse than the day we heard 'our' Marissa was gone.

We've been hearing lots of well meaning friends say 'take your time to work through your loss' - which would be awesome - but we've put MONTHS into this 'process' and the paperwork is only current for a short period of time - all paperwork is emotionally and physically draining - and frankly costs money - 'taking our time' would be very costly in many ways....

'just picking another' is starting to look more complicated than ever - timing is terrible and because we aren't open to all special needs (please, please don't judge us - there are lots we are open to - but some we aren't) we have some more complications.  Our dossier apparently needs something changed and it will be expired on June 18th (it expires 6 months from the first date on an item - our first date was Dec 18th - a doctors appt) - I don't even know if the whole thing is expired or if we just need to update - I have no idea - anybody know??

We want to exhaust the options in that country - the problem is we don't seem to be getting a lot of options...

There are children in other countries - but the cost of changing countries (and that most countries are more expensive) really screws up our 'adoption fund' - most we simply can't afford.  Even if we could muster up the energy and emotion to jump through the hoops for another country - we simply can't afford it. 

The money aspect of it is a HUGE issue for us - we saved about 25% before we committed to 'Marissa' - we saved and worked extra during the process - but more than 25% was donated - we are SO thankful and humbled by so many family and friends that chose to help fund our adoption process - we want to honor that - but we are hitting so many hurdles.

Please pray we get some answers - that some doors open, that our heart's desire to adopt again, and to adopt a child with some medical special needs can come to fruition.  We are feeling very discouraged.