Friday, June 3, 2011

A little ghost named 'What if' has moved into my house.

As we move on to the next chapter of our adoption (details to come) I can't help but feel haunted by a little girl we had already made a part of our lives.

She will never physically live here, but we have memories of her, and memories of our dreams for her.  We have pictures and little 2T outfits that would have looked really good with her dark blonde hair and big blue eyes with the tags still on them. I found a paper with Oleksandra's region written on it, and the google search still comes up on my computer.  We researched hospitals and surgeons that might help her little hands and feet, and when we hear a name similiar it hits us that all that information is unnecessary now.

I don't just wonder what she is doing now, I am sure she is doing great with her forever family.  But I feel haunted by what she would be doing with us.  We would likely be traveling now (had circumstances been different) and I can't seem to stop my brain from playing over and over again our trip to our son and wonder what might have been the same, what might have been different.

She will just always be 'missing' in our lives.  I know she was not ever ours and won't be, and we accept that.  But there is a weird little ghost of what could have been that just seems to creep up everywhere and bite me right behind the eyes. 

No matter what beautiful chapter lies ahead, Oleksandra won't be there.  I am sure it is a beautiful chapter, a chapter that could not have happened if she was here - and I hope that opening that chapter with all it's beauty and blessings and challenges will allow us to miss her, but realize that this was what was always 'meant to be'. 

I don't know if I am explaining it right, or if I am just being redundant - I'm just saying - the new 'little sister' will not replace her.  When our new little girl comes home (God willing) we will introduce her to her big sister & brother, and we'll still feel Oleksandra is missing from the picture.

There is no way to 'fix it' - it is just what is going on in my brain right now. 


  1. I'm so sorry. Our first adoption was a little boy named Erick who passed away before we could bring him home. It's been more than 5 years now but I still wonder sometimes what it would have been like to have him here. Oleksandra is a child of your heart even though she was not a child of your home. I know you will always miss her.

    Rachel Whitmire
    Post-Adoption Care Coordinator
    Reeces Rainbow Down Syndrome Adoption Ministry

  2. I know how you feel. I fell in love with another Marissa (15h) on RR and at time she was still available but because my family is grown, I was talking to them about Marissa and what I wanted to do some weeks have passed and just as I put in a formal letter asking what I needed to do to adopt Marissa I found out she had just been referred to a family. Even though I haven't yet started anything it was heartbreaking because I felt such a connection with her that I was certain she belonged in my family but it was not meant to be.